Cut out the anxiety, thankyouverymuch!! February 2/26 Farm Report.

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

Crushing Anxiety. https://www.psychiatry.org/dsm . Generalized Anxiety Disorder. G.A.D.

Citation: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. DSM-5 Changes: Implications for Child Serious Emotional Disturbance [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2016 Jun. Table 13, DSM-IV to DSM-5 Generalized Anxiety Disorder Comparison. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t9/

Feb 2 2026, GAD, DSM-5, downloaded, Bookshelf_NBK519708 Download

Anxiety. “yes, i can enjoy less of it”.

It’s one of the legacies of my teaching career and being an adult child of alcoholic parents (does anyone still call it ACOA/ACOP anymore and does the label still hold the same emotional baggage and stigma? Who the fuck knows). It’s a maddening dynamic, especially when I pay attention to where I am. Right now. 368 LINDSAY ROAD 40, ~5 MINUTES EAST OF GILLES LAKE AS THE ATV FLIES!

I did it. I have a rock farm here on a chunk of land that resembles eirily like the central region of Vancouver Island. There’s swaths of area that look a hell of a lot like Tofino, Nanaimo, and if you squint and resist the urge to look for the coastal mountains, like Port Hardy. The windswept trees give it away here on the North Bruce Peninsula.
We own this property, free title. No mortgages to worry about. We purchased this property when prices were laughably low. 25 acres for less than $50K? That sure as shit isn’t happening anymore. The only debt we have are credit cards and that’s manageable.
I don’t have to return to the bureaucratic shitstorm, called the Bluewater Disrict School Board. The staff are a collection of offspring from the regional clans — the Hellyers. The Peacocks. The Robbins. The Rydalls. The Wrights. The McIvers. If you’re not one of the founding white settlers, you’re a transplant. I wouldn’t let my child get educated here. It’s too small town! And closed minded. Based on the harrowing experiences I’ve gleaned from people in the BDSB, it’s best to stay out of the board. It’s still a shrinking school board. The Toronto District School Board? The York Region District School Board? The BDSB? All bad. All consolidated into mediocrity. De-streamed to save money, not promote equity. I don’t have to return to the publicly-funded classroom.
I can continue reinventing myself! A gentleman forester. A gentleman farmer. NeemTree Creations. NeemTree Firewood Sales. Hell, NeemTree Tutoring Services (for teenageres who are stuck in this dysfunctional school system).
I’m independent from my family. That is an emotionally painful item for me to acknowledge. All of what I’ve accomplished on our farm was generated by us. No significant cash from dead Neems (((Rein-dad was clever… he disowned me… and ensured that I was given a token amount of his vast wealth so that I wouldn’t attack the estate with lawyers))).
My adopted family made an impact with me. I relinquished all the baubles and shiny things from British Columbia and Washington State. Who helped us realize our dream property here in Ontario? Answer = that’s my mother-in-law. Laurel had a complex relationship with her daughter. So much so, that she lived down the hallway from us in the same condominium tower. Laurel wanted TS and I to escape the city before the real nasty shit went down. I’m grateful to my mother-in-law for helping us realize our off-grid and OUT OF SIGHT zombie outpost.
Alcoholism? Drug use? Domestic violence? Disrespecting the family unit-couplehood? That’s not part of my lifestyle. I’m a cheap drunk. I blaze up one bowl of the devil’s lettuce and I’m a freewheeling fungus for ~48h. Do I hurt TS? Physically — never. Verbal abuse — not intentionally. Emotionally? That’s a much more complicated answer, and I am trying to be a better spouse to TS. I know what to say that can cut TS deeply… and that’s not right.

That last several bullet points (((and yes, it’s a fucking bullet or an arrows… stop seeing negative connotations in formatting [guns and crossbows don’t kill people… blah blah woof woof])))) is where I get the most anxiety. I used to be on a cocktail of anti-obsessional, anti-anxiety drugs to keep me even-keeled. I was seeing a therapist periodically to prevent backsliding. If I hadn’t been on those SSRI drugs, I would have never been able to tolerate being a high school science teacher. Those medications allowed me to navigate the illogical, well-meaning, pedagogical circus in the public school system. It was the medications that helped me communicate with the school board’s administrators.

The underlying anxiety hasn’t gone away from me… it’s familiarity keeps me shackled to it. Anxiety is insidious. My innate irritability and anger is always looking for a new thing to latch onto. It’s insidious and it causes my chosen family, my adopted family anguish.

Here’s my point: I have have the emotional, cognitive, quasi-religious tools at my disposal to manage my anxiety. Meditation? Gratitude? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? The gentleman forester-farmer’s workout routine? Blogging-diary-writing (and posting it online to piss people off)? Quiet forest nights/days? A loving and patient spouse? Judicial use of cannabis? Permaculture? Solitude, not being-alone? Cat fancier? Hobbies? The Bruce Men’s Shed? Are these tools enough?… as I really don’t want to spend any more money on F2F human therapists.

What will it take for me to reduce my anxiety’s noise?

monday february 2/26 rock report.

TS made soup last night. Delicious soup. Earlier in the week, she made pizza. Again, it was a treat. I picked up an insulated, criss-crossed-with-reflective-blazes insulated snow suit.

This week will be eventful. There’s a cake to pick up. There’s hare-stylists to visit. PN will be helping a family friend pack up his workshop for transport to a new home. RMT treatments?! PN’s tweaking linseed-oil treated desk will have cured enough for assembly!